Beyond Tragedy: Finding Hope and Purpose Through Unimaginable Loss

Welcome back to Between the Before and After a podcast about the stories that shape us. I'm your host, Coach Jon McLernon. Each episode, I bring you an inspiring guest with a moving story that shines a light on the power of the human spirit. I'm excited to share this story with you. So let's dive in. Well, we have a very interesting guest today. 

One who's got a very colorful and storied history filled with both some highlights and some lowlights. Um Colin here has uh accomplished some surprising and amazing things professionally. He had some dreams that he's been able to live out, but he's also endured some very significant tragedy in his life and it's what leads him to be as passionate as he is about the topic that we are going to discuss today. So, welcome to the show. Colin Well, thank you so much for having me on. I appreciate it. Absolutely. And so, uh just before we started recording, we were chatting a little bit about what you're up to presently, but maybe just to bring people up to speed, you could share a bit about what you do now, what I do now is, I am a voice actor. Like I said, I had three dreams as a child. 

Be a cowboy, be a pilot, be an actor. So I'm living out the third. Yeah. You, you've got, I can, I can hear it. You've got a voice made for, made for radio, made for television, whatnot. 

Now, do you do different voice characters or do you do one kind of specifically, um, the bulk of what I've been doing so far is, uh, some animated shows. Ok. And now I'm working on building my commercial end of it to do commercials. And I just, I just put a lot of money into, uh, into my brand new commercial demo. I've had demos in the past, you know, that I had, uh, people who, you know, are handy with, they helped me do them myself, put, piece them together. Then I went out and I found video or the name of the, the name of the companies demos that rock. Ok. And Chuck Duran, it, demos that rock made a demo for me. That rocks. Oh, that's fantastic. If I'd have known that I might have been able to queue it up prior to the show here. 

But, uh, uh, could you just give us like a little, uh, uh, put you on the spot a little bit here. A little bit of a sample of, of what, uh, what voice acting might might sound like. Oh, there's so many aspects of it. Like some of it is just, you know, my, I'm, I work on a project with a gentleman in New Zealand. 

It's called The War at Home. World War 3. 19. World War 3, 1983. I think it is. Yeah. And it's, uh, how Russia starts the Third World War in 1986. Ok. Yeah. And, uh, and my character, there is just my normal voice. Ok. So that, that's easy to show up for then. Yeah. And then, then there's a character that I did on, there's a reboot of, if, if you've ever heard of, uh, Total Rama Island. 

I haven't heard of that. I have now though. Oh, yeah. Well, if you ask some people around the age of 20 or so. Oh, yeah, man. I know that. Yeah, it was a, they have a cult following worldwide. But, ok. And then I, um, uh, found out there's a gentleman who's doing a reboot of it. 

It's called Total Drama. Sky Island. Ok. And my character is this drill sergeant kind of guy that, that, uh, I'll put you on pad here where I don't spike you out. You know, when he, when he talks, you listen, he's the, he owns the island. It's what the, the, the theme of the show actually of Total Drama is kind of like a, it's a cartoon fun spinoff of Survivor, you know, all these people on this island, you know, and they're kicking, kicking off and see who's gonna be the Survivor. But my character is Chiefs is, I am Chief. 

No, that is not my name, but that is what you will call me. Do you understand? Yeah. So, and that's, uh, yeah, I had to, I had to turn the game down a whole lot on that one. Uh, and do you, do you do any specific voice exercise or like vocal exercise to prepare yourself for recording? 

You gotta warm up the throat, you know, before, before doing that. And then also tongue twisters are excellent way to prepare. Ok. Oh, yeah. Uh, I don't have any favorites. I hate them all but fair enough. Yeah. Let's see. What's you need New York? 

Unique New York, you know, you need unique, you know, you need New York, unique New York, you know, you need unique New York, you need New York. Unique New York, you know, you need unique New York. So that real has 10 times. Oh, man, because we, I, I'm actually just learned the extension that, because we used to just try to say unique New York like five times and you always end up saying unique New York. Yeah, there's a handful of others, you know, that just, it kind of loosens up the, get all loosens loosens because you're loosening up the muscles and the tongue. 

Oh, yeah, it makes you work well. That's pretty cool. Now, you, you've also been AAA pilot and a commercial airline pilot as well. Um, did you fly for any particular airlines? That's, uh, it was with a regional airline called Mesa Airlines, which is owned by me, partially owned by Mesa or by United Airlines. And so as all, all my flights were under the banner of United Airlines. Ok. What was the most interesting, or if you have, you had, did you have any scary experiences as a pilot? 

Oh, not as a, not when I was with the airlines, when, as a flight instructor I had, I had a, I had a handful of them. Fair enough. You know, I, because I think fear of flying is still quite prevalent, despite the fact that statistically speaking, it is probably the most safe form of transportation safer than driving your car down the highway. Well, it, it, it, you know, that's one of the things that's stated about it. But if you compare that, if you compare driving to air airlines, yes, absolutely is. But then you get into general aviation where you have private pilots and things like that and that's, uh, that's a little bit riskier. Right. Right. So commercial aviation has, like, you know, quite a high safety record. But I think maybe part of the reason why it sticks in people's consciousness is just if a plane is going to crash, your chance of survival is extremely low. And so, whereas a car accident, it's like, well, there's a possibility I might survive that. 

Well, there's several, um, airline accidents that a lot of people survived. Fair enough, fair miracle on the hud. But Hudson, there's not, there's one of them right there. That's right. That was, that was quite a remarkable incident. Um, there's also another incident where, uh, 7 37 I think it was flame out of both engines down near the Gulf and the captain found a levee to land on, ok. 

Not on water, not on a road, a levee and he landed. Nobody, nobody lost in that one either. Wow. That, that is quite remarkable to think about. I was thinking about the, the one thing that happened one time I was, I was flying, um, I think we're flying to Cuba, my wife and I, and just somewhere along the flight, we just dropped like 10 ft just out of nowhere and then just carried on flying and of course everyone was screaming and freaking out and crying and like, because it was, it was just a, obviously a very unsettling feeling but I mean, um, you know, planes don't typically just drop out of the sky like a rock but I don't know what it was to happen to just a change in air pressure or flew through some kind of pocket. But we just like there's no such, there's no such thing as an air pocket. Ok. Fair enough turbulence. Yeah, it was, it was, it was exceptionally uh turbulent then. Uh you know, what could cause that is, you know, you could have, uh, a big downdraft out of something. So, yeah. Yeah. So that, that was probably the most, um, I guess unsettling thing I had, although we have, like, my wife and I have traveled a lot, so we've done well, probably 200 plus flights kind of thing. And so, um, we've skidded across a runway once or twice as well, uh, with the plane kind of fish tails a little bit and you think? Ok, where are we going now? But somehow we managed to manage to keep it together. 

And, uh, yeah, so, so that's been, that was been, uh, been kind of fun. Um, now you've also been a bull rider, um, and a bull riding announcer. I mean, I think now flying airplanes seems a lot tamer than riding a bull. Um, did you have any serious incidents as a bull rider? Oh, my face smashed him pretty good one time. Uh, uh, separated a shoulder, you know, it's with bull riding. It's, it's not if it's when, right? Because something's gonna happen is, is there really a graceful way to get off the bowl after you, you make it to eight seconds, I guess? 

Yeah, you just, you know, you look where you're gonna land, you swing up leg and off on your feet. Absolutely. Yeah. Um, what was the shortest ride you had? Oh, don't pay attention to that. Fair enough. Um, and I, I look at the, like the rodeo clowns and I got a lot of respect for them as well. Well, don't confuse, don't confuse clowns with bullfighters, right? 

Bullfighters, the guys out there doing the cowboy protection. Ok. Yeah, they are not clowns by any sense of the word. Ok. I'm glad I'm glad that you clarified. So I did some work, uh, at the arena that actually hosts, we were talking about the Canadian Finals rodeo and I, I for a period of time we did some work there. So I got to kind of watch for free. And I also kind of got to go behind the scenes and, and see how things operated as they're putting on this, this, this event. And um yeah, the bull riding of course, is always the most, the most kind of exciting of the, of them all. Uh because it has the highest, uh highest element of danger to it, I guess. Yeah. So, um and then, and then you've been a pro uh like a, I guess, a rodeo announcer as well. Do you announce, did you announce like multiple different types of events or when you become a rodeo announcer? Do you just uh you focus on one specialty? 

Oh, you know, with, when you announce a rodeo, you have all the events in there and then also there's some standalone events that are just bull riding. So, but it'd be a mixture of both that I did. Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, So you, you've uh you've had quite the colorful history and um what would you, so we look at, you said you had three dreams to be a cowboy, to be a pilot and to be an actor and you, you were able to accomplish all of these. Is there anything in particular that you would attribute to you being successful in these three domains? 

Do what you love and love what you do. You know, it's, if you have a dream, go after it and I, I wasn't anywhere as successful as bull in bull riding as I, as I wanted to be or I could have been because I grew up in a home that sound like an excuse. But I grew up in a home, uh, with very negative, you know, some abuse, things like that. And a lot of times, you know, I'd be, I'd be getting ready to ride and I'd hear, I'd hear my father's voices which you think you can do this, you big dummy. Right? And stuff like that. 

I, if I know now what I, if I knew then what I know now and I look back at a friends of mine who won world championships, they were traveling with guys of equal quality with equal positive attitudes and they just, they fed each other off that positive attitude and I just, with rodeo, you can go anywhere in the country and catch a ride to any other rodeo in the country. That's right. That's the way it was. And that's kind of what I did. Either that or I drive myself and I, I jump in with some, you know, some big names from time to time. But if I was really looking back, if I really wanted to go as far as I could have, I would have jumped in with some of those big names, you know, some of those guys, you know, that, that positive and feel, feeding off that energy and doing the things that I, I should have and could have. 

That's, that's where, that's the lesson that I learned is, is positive. Attitude is so much it so much because I, I've, I've ridden bulls, that world's champions have been thrown off of. But then I've, when I fight my head, it's like, oh man, it's right. Yeah, that, that's remarkable. And so I think, and what you're describing here is this interesting sort of balance between camaraderie and competition because really rodeo, it's amazing. Yeah. Yeah, because in a sense you are in competition with each other but you're not directly in competition with each other. 

Well, it, with, with rodeo, contestants don't really feel like they're in competition with each other as more so as they, they are in competition against the animal they're getting on. Right. Yeah, that, that's a good way to put it. And then are there last question about rodeo? Then are there any particular characteristics of, uh you know, a champion bull rider, like what separates AAA champion bull rider from an average bull rider attitude? And that, that's a big, I, I'll give you a really good example, Don Gay mesquite Texas eight times world champion bull rider and Professor Cowboy Association. And I was at Omaha Nebraska one time and I was in a slump. 

I hadn't won any money in, I don't know, in a few weeks probably. And I was getting pretty down and I, I was up the same knot as Donny and I, I just asked him, I said, man, how do you stay so consistent? Mhm. And he told me it's simple. 

He says every time he picked up the telephone to enter a rodeo, he expected to win that rodeo right now, realistically, he knows that he's not gonna win every single rodeo he goes to. But when he enters it and when he goes there, went there, he expected to win it. And that's the attitude you have to have. I mean, I mean, he won eight world championships. 

That's, that's, that's a lot. Right. So he had this, uh, vision of himself that I have the ability to do this and therefore it's not unrealistic to expect this as an outcome. Exactly. Right. Yeah. And so along the way, um, you also, uh, had a family and what I still do still do have a family, I hope. Uh, well remarried. Yeah, fair enough. Um, and so the, the, there was, there's been some bumps in the road along the way with your family as well and probably more than just a bumps in the road. 

I don't mean to diminish it, but there's been because there's been some significant loss as well. Um, now remarried, if I could ask, uh, was there anything in particular that contributed to the, um, to the, I guess falling apart of your, your first marriage may? Ok. Fair enough. Yeah. Me, it's all on me. 

I, um, I was starting to follow in the foot, you know, the example that I, that I had before me and that was, you know, drinking, womanizing, you know, things that, you know, we're not good for a relationship. Yeah. Right. And so that, that sort of pattern of behavior led to you, uh, I guess you would say becoming estranged from your, from your family, from your, your first wife and Children. Yes. Well, um, I wanna give you a rundown on family. Is it my oldest daughter was before conceive before I ever got married by somebody? It was just, you know, 11 date I'd been on with this woman. 

And, and, uh, years later I got a letter from the state of Iowa saying they wanted to blood test me just to see if I was, uh, this child's father. And it turns out I was, she was 15 years old at the time and, you know, we had her on again, off again relationship. She grew up not annoying me and angry at me. But, you know, we, we worked on it then during one of the off times was in 2010 or 2011. She reached out to me through Facebook to tell me she had been diagnosed with small intestine cancer. Mhm. And, uh, she succumbed to her cancer on January 20/9 2015. 

But, you know, those last few years for life, you know, we really grew close together and I was able to be there for her, you know, go give her, you know, when she went in for a survey especially and working for the airlines is easy, um, that you watch this, I could just catch a flight anywhere to go down there. And so I was, you know, they're there with her a lot when she was hospitalized and, and their weather at the very end. So you mentioned that. So were you, were you completely unaware of the existence of your daughter until you were contacted by Iowa? Well, from what I was told, um, by her mother is that there was somebody else that she thought was the father, but he had died in an automobile accident. And then, you know, she was on the, you know, she was getting, you know, support from the state of Iowa and that's why the state of Iowa came after me to see if I was the father or not interesting. And it was not, it was not the guy who died in the automobile accident. Ok. Did that come as a shock to you? Uh. Yeah. Yeah, it did. How do you, how do you navigate that, finding out? Like, what, what sort of feelings go through your mind when you, you hear? 

Ok, you're the father of this girl that's now 15 years old to me. I, at this point in my life I was so much different than I was one than I was earlier. You know, I'd, I'd turn my life around a lot and the first thing I felt was regret and anger at myself for not being there for this child and not, and, but then I thought, you know, all I can do now is just go forward and I think it's very natural to have those feelings. You think? Well, it's natural to fall like they could have, should have, would have, if only I had known I would have done this thing. But, but you didn't, do you recall the first conversation you had with her? Yeah. Um, it was, you know, I can't, I can't remember what it was said but, you know, she, she felt very uneasy and I was, you know, I didn't know what to do, what to say and, yeah. What, what do you say? Yeah. Yeah. How, how did a bond eventually develop between the two of you? 

See, you know, when she wanted to be when she wanted to talk, she'd reach out to me, which a lot of times is when she wanted something fair enough. Yeah. And then, uh, one of the times she got really upset with me, she asked for something, you know, and I, I just didn't, you know, I didn't have it in my budget to be able to help her with what she wanted. And then she just got all angry at me and says, well, I'm gonna sue you for back child support. I said, well, honey, I've already paid Iowa several $1000 in back child support for you. 

Yeah, she on me. Yeah. Fair, fair enough. If the thing that the thing that brought us together was, was cancer. Yeah. In the last few years we, we really bonded. 

The last thing, the last words out of her mouth was to tell me that she loved me. And how old was she when she was diagnosed? Uh, well, she was 37 I think when she died. Ok. Very young. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I've heard it said, and I'd be curious what your thoughts are on this though, that, um, cancer can be in one sense, a merciful diagnosis because it actually gives us time versus the sudden accidents that takes them away from us with no time for preparation. 

Oh, either way it's painful. It's, it's, uh, it's, it's just painful. Fair enough. What sort of, I'll get more on that in a little later on, when we talk about another topic, I'll, I'll bring this back into play. Absolutely. Um, there, there, I suppose though, it brings something in us when we're, when we're brought to this awareness that, like all of us have a limited amount of time, some of us get more time than others do, but none of us get a lot of time really when we think about it. I mean, um, you look back and think where, where did the years go? How did I get to be this old? How did this happen? It feels like it was just yesterday that I was, you know, doing this thing over here and, and all of a sudden here we are. 

Yeah, I'm, I'm getting up there in age there. Right. Um, so that, that was one that you had to deal with and, uh, in, in this time, did you have any, any sort of like functioning relationship with, uh, your daughter's mother? Uh, no, fair enough. Yeah. So, but then back to my marriage, I used one of my, yeah, that I had four daughters from my first marriage and, you know, I told you how that ended because, you know, it was all my fault. Yeah. When their mother remarried, she married someone who is retired military and they asked if he could adopt the girls so that they could have his military benefits, you know, medical insurance and, you know, lots of benefits, I thought, well, that's more I can afford to pay in child support at the time. 

So, yeah, but I didn't really realize until after I signed that document that I had truly just given away all rights to even talk to these Children. Right. And so of course, they grew up feeling that I abandoned them when, you know, I completely understand that feeling. Yeah. And, um, it wasn't until 2004. 

I think the second oldest of the two reached out to me and wanted to, wanted to have a relationship and that lasted for a few months. And then she felt, you know, like she was put in the middle even though she wasn't trying, you know, and that was pretty tough on her. And so she pulled away from the relationship and, uh, then later on tried it again and that didn't work. And then later on now, uh, now with my wife of 17 years, she, um, this daughter reached out to me again and my wife's, my wife is a social worker and of course she's all about relationships. Honey. What you've got to, you've got to contact her back. 

I said I've been there, honey. I, I just, I can't do it. Oh, but it'll be different this time and she went on and on and on and I finally just says, OK, I'm gonna do it. But just to show you that I know what I'm talking about. Right. Right. Yeah. And, and how, how did it go? 

I mean, it was pretty good for a while. I got to spend some time with my granddaughter who, um, was just this cute, cute, adorable, adorable child that I remember one time that, um, in our, in our church and my wife and I members the church of Jesus Christ, Latter Day Saints, we believe, you know, there's a normal wedding outside of a temple is for, is for life only our church believes that, that the vows between a man and a woman are eternal. And so we go into a temple like you've probably heard of the Salt Lake City Temple, right? Yeah, there's, there's like 200 some operating temples worldwide now. And we were living in, I, we were living in uh Topeka Kansas at the time, I think, or no Wi Wichita Wichita. Yeah. So anyway, anyway, wherever we were, we went up to the Omaha Nebraska Temple. 

Yeah, as that's where my daughter was. And you know, we went up there to do that and to spend some time with her and I'll let her forget this little two year old and I dancing like fun kids through the parking lot together. Just kind of hop and skipping along and we went on a trip with her and we to uh uh Naville Illinois to the Na Illinois pageant. OK. And we told her we were going to, we're going to this park where there's just gonna be this big musical presentation and she called it the, the singing park. Ok. Yeah. Yeah. Or watching the pageant, this beautiful child felt, just had her arms around me and fell asleep with her head on my shoulder and she slept there the whole time and best feeling in the world. 

Oh, yeah, it was amazing. So, you were able to, yeah, able to establish a relationship with your, with your granddaughter then, and then once again the relationship between my daughter and I crumbled. Yeah. And, um, I, uh, I thought there was no hope for anything more at that point in 2017. Uh, uh, based in Houston, Texas. Mm, as a, as an airline captain down there. And I live in Vegas and I'd always, you know, have to catch a ride from Houston or from Texas from Las Vegas to go to Houston, have a ride to get back home at the end of a four or five day trip. However long I was down out and I was home on time off and my wife asked me, he says, well, what are you gonna do if she ever calls again? 

I says, honey, I can't go through that again and she just says, I understand. I'm like, oh, really? And the next morning I'm getting ready to go catch, um, catch, go to, down to the Vegas airport to catch a ride to work. Hm. And I say in my morning prayers and it's just like you're hearing my voice. 

Now he says, pray for your Children. Hm. I said my Children, they want nothing to do with me. I don't have Children. So why would I pray for them? And it came again, pray for your Children. And I kept denying it and denying it. And I, each time that voice came back more urgent, uh finally says, ok, I'll do it. 

Yeah, I don't know what I said, but I did the prayer and went down to, you know, catch the ride to Houston. Get to Houston. I worked one flight that day was into Detroit, Michigan. Have an overnight there and then back to Houston in the morning and then, you know, supposed to have some other flights after that. But I'm getting off the airplane in Houston after the, after the patient uh after the passengers had deplaned and my phone rings. 

It's a number I'm not familiar with and it was this daughter. She uh was recently divorced her, her ex-husband and a grandson I'd never met were living in Florida. And then she and my granddaughter that I haven't seen in all these years were living up in the northeast. It was an auto mill. It was an automobile accident that claimed the life of the children's father. My grandson was in the car and was in a coma in a hospital at Fort Lauderdale. He was cut so badly in his front that his internal organs were exposed, several broken bones. And so she's down there in Florida, staying at a Ronald mcdonald house with my granddaughter, I haven't seen all these years with my grandson that I've never met, who was seven years old at the time. And her mother was not able to come down to be with her, her sisters were not able to come down to be with her and she just said she needed someone there for support and help. And I just says, yeah, I'm on the next flight. 

You know, I didn't try to jump seat down or anything like that. I, I bought a ticket to get there just to make sure. And so the first time I see my grandson, he's in a coma lying in a hospital bed. Wow. Seven years old. Yeah. And he's doing wonderful now, by the way. Absolutely. Doing wonderful. He had, he was like over three months in hospitals during all this. 

Yeah, it was if, if you ever saw pictures of the car, you, you would say it's a miracle that this child even lived. Right? And he is an amazing, amazing, amazing child. And so this, this is one of one of your daughters. And does she have the two Children, grandson and your granddaughter? Yeah. I have a granddaughter from my oldest daughter that died of cancer and she graduates college next year. Ok. Yeah. College and her and her boyfriend are talking about marriage after college. I'm like. Right. Right. That old, uh, that's, that's quite something. And so, so you're, you're down there and you're able to reestablish a relationship with your daughter because you're there for sport. Yes. Yeah. So, it was, it was not easy. 

Yeah, it was not easy. It was probably, it was very, it was difficult to try, you know, to get back in there. But I, I can't explain it but, but it's, it's truly been worth it. 

There's something about, I mean, I'm, I'm a parent to just a young child. So, I mean, I'm very early into my parenthood journey. My little boy is too and I've got another on the way and, you know, I, I feel like I, I love this boy with a love that really can't be put into words. It's, it's, oh, yeah. And Children are capable of so much love. This is the one thing about my granddaughter, my granddaughter that I just truly admired, you know, she knew me when she was smaller. Yeah. And when I got into Florida, every time she looked at me to talk, I expected her to say something like grandpa. Where have you been? Yeah. Or why haven't you seen us, you know, or something like that? Not once did that child ever say anything like that? 

What she did was accept and love me. That's beautiful. Yeah. And she was amazing. Yeah. Yeah. Just a, just a beautiful spirit in her. And so you, and you were able to continue at, what age was she at this time? When your, when your seven year old grandson was in the hospital? 

Ah, I can't remember now. Was she older than her brother? Yes. Yes. She was the oldest. Ok. Yeah. And so it was only, she was, she was, uh, 11, like, you're going to turn 11 that year. Yes. Right. Right. And this, this is the, the, uh, granddaughter who, uh, four years later took her own life. Yes. Yeah. And I, you know, one of the things that comes to mind, I suppose, and maybe you've asked this question to, of yourself many times over, you know, was there any indications that, that this is ever a possibility? She had considered? None, none whatsoever. Yeah. And so at the age of 15, um, she took her own life and, yeah, what happens when you get that news? Wow. Um, I'm gonna go back a little bit, a little bit onto another topic, you know, after my rodeo days I started to announce rodeos and at that time I, I found out that I love the microphone and the microphone likes me. Right. Right. Most people hate public speaking. But you put me in a colosseum with thousands of people. 

I'm like, we're gonna have some fun. Right. Yeah. Yeah. But I knew there was something more that I needed to do with my, with my gift, something that I could do to help others with. And I just didn't know what it was. And I looked at so many things that I could, you know, start up, you know, being a public speaker with and none of them that I felt I could do with passion. And there's even times that I escaped death myself when I was a small child, I, I was caught up in a whirlpool at this lake and a man reached in and grabbed my arm right before I took my last breath and pulled me out and saved me. 

I, one time I was almost run down by an automobile as I was starting to step out to cross the highway and I could feel the breeze of it when somebody yelled at me to get back because I started to step back. I could feel the air rushing off the car. And so I've always wondered, I've been saved. My life has been saved, but for what reason? Right. Yeah. And I had no clue. But when I got that phone call on June 10th of 2022 it was my daughter's caller ID and her husband, the children's stepfather was on there. 

I knew something was wrong. But, you know, I thought, oh, somebody's been hurt or something like that. And then he told me, and it was, I've never felt such pain in my life as you were stating, you know, that with my daughter, I had time to be with her during that time and, you know, you, and that's still so, so hard and painful. You know, a lot of people say, you know, that the loss of a child is the most difficult thing that any parent could go through, but the loss of my granddaughter. Mhm. Far outweighed the pain that I felt when my daughter died. 

So, I'm, I'm on this phone call, I'm yelling, I'm screaming, I'm crying more than I ever have. But even within the first few seconds of finding that the first thing, one of the things that popped into my head amidst all this pain was now, I know what I'm supposed to do. Right. Yeah. And that's, that's to, to speak on this topic. How did, how did that, how did your granddaughter's death affect your, her, her brother, your, your grandson? 

He, um, he's, you know, they were very close and he doesn't, like, feel he, he's autistic and doesn't, you know, a lot of his emotions and feelings don't come out. But my daughter has been just so amazing on working with him and getting him, you know, help in dealing with his emotions and how, you know, in his, in his way of how to deal with his emotions and with him though too, it's at the, we had the funeral on a Saturday and the internment was on Sunday and when they were, she was being lowered into the ground, you know, getting ready to go. I was wailing and wailing my little grandson. He just comes up behind me and throws his arms around me and that whole whole weekend with that whole time, there was so painful, but yet also miraculous, um the funeral home had asked people to send in pictures of my granddaughter and they received hundreds, you know, literally hundreds of pictures. Then the funeral director not really knowing the family at all, selected certain pictures to make a video with, to play during the visitation. And, uh, fourth funeral things like that. And about 3/4 of those pictures was my granddaughter with my wife and I in Hawaii when she was 12 years old at Universal Studios in our home. And all these times that we were together and when I visited them by myself, when I was an airline pilot and they were living in the northeast, you know, I'd fly out and all these times like that where she just smile on enjoying life and love and admit. And my other three daughters all have Children. 

Now, all of a sudden all these other grandchildren know who I am. Right. They know that you exist. Yes. Yeah. And at the, uh, after the funeral in the church, I'm standing next to where my granddaughter's lying and one of my other grandchildren, uh, it's for my youngest daughter. 

She's about 10 or 11. I think something like that. She sees me and she walks up to me as I'm just balling my eyes out. She's, do you need a hug? Yeah. Yes, they're in the services. 

My daughter and my grandson are sitting right in front of me in the, in the first row. I'm right behind them. Behind me is my oldest daughter and one of her Children and I'm just, you know, bent forward his song just has me, you know, this really, really affected me. And so far, all this daughter had really said to me, my oldest daughter had said to me during the, during the time that I'd seen her, there was just hello. And that was it. But her hand came forward and she, she started caressing my back and then I felt these smaller fingers on my back as well. Hm. And, uh, later that night, my wife and I are in our hotel room and this daughter reached out to me saying that one of her Children wanted to meet me and then the next day at the services, um, one thing that a couple of things happened there that were just amazing is my wife said, you know what, honey? Do you realize that this is father's day and all four of your daughters are here? Mhm. And then, uh, after the graveside service, my oldest daughter walked over to me with, with this, uh, my, this granddaughter that wanted to meet me. She's 16. She looked like she was like 11. 

She just isn't a tiny vibrant individual. And my daughter introduces us. And then this child looks at me and just looks right into my eyes and says, are you a good man now? And I just was so captured and that was so amazing to be able to look into her eyes and tell her. Yes, I am. Mhm And then uh the oldest child of my youngest daughter, a a grandson came up to me and says, can I give you a hug? Oh, yeah. Yeah. But the granddaughter that I met, she and I, she text me almost every day now for a while, you know, it was like every day, every day until recently. And it's just like, you know, a little bit here and then a couple of days later and she was, I get what I call them my morning pug pictures with her and her pug. And she is so different from the daughter. 

The granddaughter that I lost granddaughter I lost was rather reserved and kind of shy until you get to know her. And then she gets to open up this child. She'll, she'll, she'll say anything right. Right. Now with, with, with your granddaughter that passed. Um, was there any, did she give any, any note, any indication, any reason? Was there any understanding of why this took place? None, none whatsoever. My daughter said she found my, she was on antidepressants and my daughter said afterwards that she had found that, uh, she was not taking her medications and hiding them. 

So, yeah, that's, that's incredibly tragic and, and I think it's, it's can be in one sense, difficult to get some closure when it's hard to understand why this, why this is, yeah, it really is. It truly really is. There was some afterwards looking back on the whole experience of going out there, you know, you hear, you know, there's, it said that when somebody who is going to end their life makes the decision to do so, but it's like a burden that's lifted from their shoulders because they know that they're not gonna have to worry about anything anymore. Yeah. And this child loved the water, she loved to swim. 

We got a picture of her where we took her in Hawaii with that with the uh to swim with the dolphins. Right? Yeah. And uh she was working at a swimming pool there in the small town that, that she lived in. So I wanted to go out and, you know, just kind of be there where she was in her last day pool was closed and the manager noticed me and came up and asked if he, I, he could help me and I told him who I was and why I was there. And so he showed me around, took me into the concession stand that she, he said that she was training to be the uh supervisor at the concession stand. 

He said her last day of work was the best day she ever had. Right. That just made me wonder was that because she already had it planned. Right. That's one of the signs of a big change in, in emotions. 

You know, somebody's really, you know, a happy go lucky person, things like that. And all of a sudden they're really not themselves, they're just acting depressed. That's a, that's a pretty big indicator that they're possibly considering it too. But then when they do say, ok, I'm going to, then all of a sudden they're, hey, upbeat again, right? Because they feel like there, there's a way out. And so as we, as we bring this interview to a close, you're doing this remarkable work now, um, on, on suicide awareness and, uh brought about by these extremely tragic circumstances, but it seems there's been, you know, some tragedy has been able to be turned into a, a blessing as well, which is really wonderful. Um, what message would you like to share? And maybe what specifics would you like to share? Would you like people to know better around suicide awareness? 

Well, there's one thing that everybody who has ever thought of suicide all have in common and that is that they believe that there is no hope left in the world, no hope in their lives for things being better. And I'm here to tell you even, even in, with all the garbage that's going on in the world today, that love and hope still do exist. You know, if, if there's, if there's somebody out there that, that's con contemplating doing this there is hope, you know, there's a lot of people that you feel that, you know, they don't have love at home or they don't, they can't find what they need at home. And so, you know, don't go down to your friend. It's like, oh, yeah, man. You know, I thought about doing that too once, you know, no, go to somebody where you can find something positive, you know, down the road to a church, a synagogue, wherever a, a youth center or somewhere where you can find positive reinforcement. 

Somebody who is going to tell you that you are very worth living and find that love and get the help that you need. Mental illness is seems taboo but there's nothing wrong with it. It is a disease just like any other disease. But the thing, the thing of it is there, it does not have to take your life. It, yeah, seeking help can truly be a life or death choice. It truly can be choose life, not death because life is so much worth living. 

I mean, I'm six, I turn 66 next week. And a lot of people say, man, he's old. What's he got left to live for? If I get to be 100 and 50 years old and it's my time to go, you're gonna have to take me out of here kicking and screaming God because I ain't, I ain't gone. I still got stuff to do. 

It's not just that one thing, there's things beyond what you're hung up on. Yeah. The world is full of hope. The world is full of love. 

Go for your dreams and learn that and learn that they don't come easy. You have to work for it. A lot of people have been told you can do this, you can do this. Well, what they're not told a lot of times is the work that it's gonna take to get to their dreams. What's that, Michael Jordan says he's his Michael Jordan's success was his failures is one thing. He is something he said once you cannot succeed without failures. Absolutely. Well, Colin thank you so much. 

It's, it's really been a pleasure chatting with you. I'm so grateful that you are sharing this, your story. You're, you're raising awareness for this extremely important issue and that you're willing to share your story in a, in a raw and vulnerable way that will genuinely touch people. So, thank you for being on the show today. Thank you for having me.

Thank you so much for tuning in to between the before and after. If you've enjoyed this episode, please subscribe and leave a review because that helps this podcast to reach and inspire more people. I love exploring the stories that take place between the before and after the powerful experiences that shape who we become. And I love human potential. I love the possibilities that lie within us. So whatever you may be up against, I hope these stories inspire you because if you're still here, your story is not done yet. So keep moving forward.